Late Night Rambles v1

I can’t sleep

My mind races from one thought to the next as if it’s running out of time, it does this all day and all night. The racing is just worse at night, my body wants sleep and my brain won’t listen.

Tonight’s thoughts lead to goals, what do I want out of life.

I have washed so many years unable to get out of my way, mourning something that no longer seems real, a memory I can barely conjure even on the best days.

I want to stop sounding like a broken record on goals I have spoken of for years. New Zealand, Seattle, Dublin, weight loss, marathons, children, oceans. It’s all the same year after year.

I want to live and breath while enjoying life versus just barely existing. I want to feel connected to my friends, my family, to a lover.

I want to know what it’s like to hear my child call me mama for the first time, to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles, to discover again what it feels like to be alive.

I can’t sleep knowing I am wasting my life.

Making a Change

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Making a Change

On Thursday I was driving home from visiting my nephew in Connecticut when my doctor called to advice me to go to the nearest hospital asap. Blood test results from that morning were worrisome and she wanted me treated immediately.

Of all the things that could be wrong, I am lucky. Per the ER doctor I am severely anemic, so much so both he and my primary care physician were shocked I had not passed out since my hemoglobins were dangerously low.

I have been feeling exhausted for the past 2 months, not just the usual exhaustion I always sort of feel as a result of flinging myself across the country each week or so for my client. This was a deep in my bones all I want to do is sleep, out of breath walking up the stairs exhaustion.

Turns out this was because the iron in my body was so low, my blood was being deprived of oxygen which in turn causes everything I was feeling. Fortunately I am on the mend now, armed with iron pills and bed rest for a few days.

This is the wake up call I needed, time to make a change in my life so I can be around to see by next 35 birthdays.

I am an all or nothing type of person, though it doesn’t always work for me at least when it comes to being healthy. Slow and steady is going to win this race, with eating better and exercising more. Prioritizing me before anything else.

Java and Brady

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At 14 I know Java’s days are limited. Each day she sleeps a little longer, her legs shake a little more each time she gets up. All the signs of her ending are there, they small and insignificant but I know one day soon they won’t be.

I watch how Brady lays next to her,
how he kisses her, looks for her when she is in another room. I wonder who will be more devastated when she passes away Brady or me?

Recovering Workaholic

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I am doing my best to stop focusing so much of my life on work, as I finally recognized the negative impacts it was having on me in terms of health, social life, emotional well-being etc. I also noticed how protective of their time other people were, which for me was really the “light bulb moment’.

One of the guidelines I recently gave myself was no reading/sending emails on the weekend(or really late at night during the workweek), because you know it’s the weekend and no one wants to see work emails while they are trying to relax and enjoy their down time.

Fast forward to this weekend where I received a couple URGENT email requests on my phone, instead of dropping everything I was doing to answer and provide the needed updates, which in the past is my typical reaction, I responded with “I usually do an hour or two of admin work on Sunday evenings to prepare for the upcoming week, I will include this in that time but will not be available before then.” #babysteps

On Setting Goals

Goals

I had thought I could make this the year where I didn’t have any goals I was focusing on, a year of freedom from checking things off the list.

Turns out, by not setting goals I lost all sense of direction and I need direction. I have realized I can’t live this way, as I find myself trapped in a cycle of laziness.

So I am changing my mind, as I am allowed to do, by setting some goals for the remainder of 2014. Typically I like to focus on 10 or so goals a year, sometimes there are fewer or more depending on what I want to trying to accomplish in any given year.

Here are 2014’s goals

Lose weight – I actually hate putting this as a goal because I think society focuses on appearances far too much, but I need to get to a healthy weight otherwise my life will be cut short. I always want to do the things that my weight stops me from doing such as running or surfing or kayaking.
Limit screen time – I spend close to 18 hours of my day in front of the computer or tv or iPhone or iPad, 8-10 of which are work related. The rest is just the mind numbing escape from a reality I don’t want to face.
SPHR and PMP – I want to sit for and pass the SPHR and PMP exams as it will strengthen the credibility I have in my career
Exercise daily – this goes in line with #1, nothing excessive or crazy. Just 60 minutes of walking or swimming will go along way in my weight loss achievements and my sanity.
Dairy, chips, and soda – I eat dairy products and immediately regret it when my stomach starts churning, chips and soda are my go to feeling low foods. All three need to be removed from my diet. By far this will be my hardest goal to achieve.
Pay off car loan and credit card debt – Almost there on this one, about 6 months to go until the only debt I have are student loans and mortgage. Student loans will be tackled next.
Visit my nephew each time I am home – I love that little guy, and I want to make sure he knows his Auntie Melissa loves and adores him even if she is off traveling the world.
Finish MAPP classes – I had to put a pause on the adoption classes 😦 because of the amount I travel for work, I want to finish them by the end of 2014.
Investments – I want to up my financial security and investments game, my 401k is healthy but I want to do more to ensure I can retire when I want to.
Inadequacy – I need to deal with always feeling inadequate, I know where it stems from I just don’t know how to not feel this way. I am going to seek out the help I need to move past it.

All of these are very achievable once I focus on them. Excited to see where the remainder of 2014 brings me.

Did You Know

Adoption

That in many public libraries in the state of Massachusetts there is a book filled with pictures of children waiting for their forever home.

Picture upon picture upon picture.

My home study went well, I have room enough for four children.

I will make sure that book has four fewer children in it when I am done with this process.

Four kids who will be loved for who they and who they will become. Not only by me, but by my family and friends.

They will have warm beds and full bellies, hugs and kisses, whatever therapeutic help they will need.

Those four, whomever God decides to entrust in my care, will know they are safe, secure, and loved.

Wedding Dreams

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Last night while I slept I dreamt of myself getting married and most vividly the wedding itself, for the record I am currently single and never been married. When I was younger I had this dream frequently, the dress, the ceremony, the faceless groom.

Last night the dream was similar, the details were so vivid. I was the version of myself that I long to be (healthier, fit, strong), wearing a beautiful v-neck lace gown that hugged by curves just so while still being modest, the ceremony was in an old, candle light church with stain glass windows. The pews were filled with people who make up the story of my life: mom, dad, brother, aunts, uncles, friends from across the globe and of course the people who made up the story of the groom’s life.

The dream always ends the same, I am walking down the aisle toward mine groom who has his back towards me. When I am about halfway down he turns around and is faceless, always faceless.

Last night he turned around, only instead of being faceless there was a familiar face, one that I have known and loved for years.

Now, I don’t know or believe that this means he is the one I will marry one day, but maybe it will happen. He has been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember, yet we just can’t quite pair up romantically.

I searched weddings on dreammoods.com, reading that a wedding signify a transitional phase or coming to terms with change. That context makes perfect sense to me knowing what is going in my life.

I still hope that one day that I get to wear the lace dress, walk down an aisle filled with friends and family to find him waiting there for me.

2014 Goals

Adoption

This year I resolve to do nothing. I am just not making any goals or resolutions. I want to be free of any sort of expectation that I place on myself.

The only item on my agenda for 2014 is adoption, and it’s a process I have very little control over. I will do what is needed and required, but the rest I am placing in God’s and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ hands.

My heart is ready, my house is ready. I will not over think it or stress about it.

First up are the MAPP classes, which begin on Tuesday, January 7th.

Preparing My Heart

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The last few weeks have been stressful, work has been crazier then normal, much crazier, despite this I want to make sure I document each moment of the adoption process I have begun. For me, for the child(ren) of my heart.

Before I get too far into the nitty-gritty details of the process, I want to document why this moment and time in my life is the moment I realized what my heart aches for.

Above anything else I have always wanted to be someone’s mama. For as long as long as I can remember I have always wanted kids, even in the moments where I wasn’t entirely sure. There have been moments when I have even spoken the words “I don’t think I want children”, but they were only spoken to hide the ache I felt in my heart at the thought of a childless life.

I just never felt ready, then in a moment I was. One simple act, words quietly spoken, my heart opened and readied itself. I hadn’t realized all the sorrow I burdened my heart with, well that’s not entirely true. I knew, with every waking moment, what that sorrow felt like. What I hadn’t realized was how to unburden it, and in those magical three minutes I was able to let go of the sorrow. It sounds so simple, because it was, shockingly so.

Now the process begins. It’s going to be long, my heart will probably break once or twice or ten times, but it will be worth every moment, every second, every fear.

Adoption

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Tomorrow I will place the call that will begin the adoption process of my future children.

I hope in the next 2-3 years to have my home filled with the laughter and noise and chaos of little ones.

My heart is already full, but I can’t wait for it to be overflowing.