It’s the moment between awake and sleeping where my mind gets trapped in an endless cycle of overthinking, dreams of what might have been, mistakes made etc.
I try to shut it off, but this quiet hour breaks me most nights.
It’s breaking me tonight.
A todo list for tomorrow, a coworker that is driving me a little nutty, selling my house, children I may never have, love that I so desperately want. It’s all raced through my mind for the past two hours on an endless loop.
It’s hard to not feel like a failure when you have to stop the DVD six minutes in because you are already spent.
I have to keep reminding myself that six minutes today turns into seven minutes tomorrow, eventually, as I keep plugging away at it, I will make the entire 45 minute DVD.
Fixing years do depression, laziness, and horrific eating habits does not change overnight. I wish it did, but my eye is on the prize and I’ll get there one way or another.
Yesterday morning I flew to Austin, TX for work. At my current weight I have come to realize I am the person no one wants to sit next to, I am not at the point of taking up more then one seat but I am close. It’s made me incredibly self conscious, losing weight is something I always think about but never seem to do even though I want to. My therapist tells me it’s because I built a barrier around myself to avoid pain.
Shit this post is not going the way I wanted, I wanted to talk about habits.
Yesterday while flying to Austin I read a book about habits, it wasn’t particularly good so I won’t recommend it, but it did get me thinking about the habits I have.
They are mostly bad.
1. I drink soda and ice tea like a fish out of water.
2. I never exercise, never.
3. Vegetables? What are those my, diet is all processed or take out it’s no surprise I am gigantic.
4. Facebook, social media, and the internet in general tends to overtake my life.
5. I am attached to my electronics, and use my iPad in bed (shame, shame)
6. TV fills the days when I am bored
7. I make a great salary, but a shopping habit destroys my monthly budget and I never end up saving as much as I want.
The bad list also includes not flossing regularly and other things as well.
What’s my good habit you ask? Well I tend to eat fruit for breakfast but not always.
The book suggestion changing one habit at a time and that will eventually lead to breaking the others.
My choice is to start exercising each day for 60 minutes and I am going to commit to working out everyday so I become used to this new habit. I have built it into my daily calendar, I am hoping that will limit the excuses I make about not having time because I know how much time I actually waste!
Here goes nothing!
I can’t sleep
My mind races from one thought to the next as if it’s running out of time, it does this all day and all night. The racing is just worse at night, my body wants sleep and my brain won’t listen.
Tonight’s thoughts lead to goals, what do I want out of life.
I have washed so many years unable to get out of my way, mourning something that no longer seems real, a memory I can barely conjure even on the best days.
I want to stop sounding like a broken record on goals I have spoken of for years. New Zealand, Seattle, Dublin, weight loss, marathons, children, oceans. It’s all the same year after year.
I want to live and breath while enjoying life versus just barely existing. I want to feel connected to my friends, my family, to a lover.
I want to know what it’s like to hear my child call me mama for the first time, to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles, to discover again what it feels like to be alive.
I can’t sleep knowing I am wasting my life.