I can’t sleep

My mind races from one thought to the next as if it’s running out of time, it does this all day and all night. The racing is just worse at night, my body wants sleep and my brain won’t listen.

Tonight’s thoughts lead to goals, what do I want out of life.

I have washed so many years unable to get out of my way, mourning something that no longer seems real, a memory I can barely conjure even on the best days.

I want to stop sounding like a broken record on goals I have spoken of for years. New Zealand, Seattle, Dublin, weight loss, marathons, children, oceans. It’s all the same year after year.

I want to live and breath while enjoying life versus just barely existing. I want to feel connected to my friends, my family, to a lover.

I want to know what it’s like to hear my child call me mama for the first time, to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles, to discover again what it feels like to be alive.

I can’t sleep knowing I am wasting my life.