03/01/2006 – 12/05/2015

I lost Brady yesterday after a very short and sudden illness.

A few weeks ago the vet confirmed he had Lyme Disease, two weeks of antibiotics would normally cure it, only he never got better. He lost 6 lbs, and for a 20lb dog that’s over a 1/4 of this body weight.  He was sleeping constantly, refused to eat.  On Friday the vet confirmed kidney failure, which is a very rare side effect of Lyme Disease.

Brady was dying.

Honestly though, I think he had a broken heart.  He missed Java, since her passing I noticed he was always a little bit sad, no attempts to make him happy worked,  he had lost his spark.

I spent Friday night holding him, making sure he knew how loved he was.  How I was going to miss him.  He and I took one final ride on Saturday morning before we went to the vet. My vet is so kind and let me hold him in my arms as he euthanized him just as he did Java 9 months ago.

I am happy they are reunited in heaven, I hope to see them again one day.

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.



Goodbye Stress


For the past 11 months I have been dealing with a stressful situation with no end in sight, then just like that is was gone.  The end was sudden and swift, and very sweet.  There was a half of second of disbelief, but then elation.

The impacts have been immediate,  the weight lifted off of my shoulders and my smile returned.

Life is good. Life is really good.

Separation Anxiety


Brady has always been clingy, but in the 8 days since Java has died he has upped his game 100 times over.


patiently waiting for my bubble bath to finish 

He LOVED HER from their very first moment together.  Loved her more then me. Always, and that’s okay.  He was removed from his mom too soon, and when I finally was able to rescue him Java became his surrogate mama dog


Brady’s first day at home. 

I wonder if  I made a mistake in not taking him to the vet with us, giving him his moment to say goodbye.  He searched the house for her, then has clung to me every since I picked him up yesterday.

I haven’t made a great effort to eradicate all her furballs or remove her doggie bed.  I also left for a work trip 36 hours after she was gone, leaving Brady with my parents as I normally do.  I know that leaving him so soon was probably a mistake, but I am not sure about ridding her scent or stuff from the house, it feels too soon at least fro me.

I have no idea if he misses her or notices that I am sad or a combination of both.


Java had the biggest smile and heart.

Java was the sweetest dog in the world, loved everyone she met person or dog. The hole she leaves in the our world and in our hearts is enormous.

I keep getting asked if I will get another dog soon, and I will but not for a long while.  Both Java and Brady found me, or we found each other.  Whenever I am ready for the next pup, I know we will find each other.  Until then, Brady and I are going to work on being a duo.


Adoption, Goals

I have had babies and marriage on my mind lately, neither is happening in my foreseeable future, but a woman can dream.
She can also make Pinterest boards, re-pinning anything that sparks her heart’s desires.

That’s the thing though. I want kids, specifically I told God and the universe that I want three happy, healthy, and vibrant children. They can come to me through giving birth or adoption, the vessel of arrival does not matter to me in the slightest. I just want them here, and soon.

Trying to adopt through the state of Massachusetts is faced with barriers that are all my own, classes that are held on Tuesday nights when I a in Austin Monday – Thursday. It’s going painstakingly slow, slower than I had really wanted it to.

Throw in a desire to live in Seattle, I am not sure how this process will play out. I am going to keep plugging away at it and Washington State has a similar program if I do end up taking the leap and moving.

Quiet Hours


It’s the moment between awake and sleeping where my mind gets trapped in an endless cycle of overthinking, dreams of what might have been, mistakes made etc.

I try to shut it off, but this quiet hour breaks me most nights.

It’s breaking me tonight.

A todo list for tomorrow, a coworker that is driving me a little nutty, selling my house, children I may never have, love that I so desperately want. It’s all raced through my mind for the past two hours on an endless loop.