Late Night Rambles v1


I can’t sleep

My mind races from one thought to the next as if it’s running out of time, it does this all day and all night. The racing is just worse at night, my body wants sleep and my brain won’t listen.

Tonight’s thoughts lead to goals, what do I want out of life.

I have washed so many years unable to get out of my way, mourning something that no longer seems real, a memory I can barely conjure even on the best days.

I want to stop sounding like a broken record on goals I have spoken of for years. New Zealand, Seattle, Dublin, weight loss, marathons, children, oceans. It’s all the same year after year.

I want to live and breath while enjoying life versus just barely existing. I want to feel connected to my friends, my family, to a lover.

I want to know what it’s like to hear my child call me mama for the first time, to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles, to discover again what it feels like to be alive.

I can’t sleep knowing I am wasting my life.

Making a Change

Making a Change

On Thursday I was driving home from visiting my nephew in Connecticut when my doctor called to advice me to go to the nearest hospital asap. Blood test results from that morning were worrisome and she wanted me treated immediately. 

Of all the things that could be wrong, I am lucky.  Per the ER doctor I am severely anemic, so much so both he and my primary care physician were shocked I had not passed out since my hemoglobins were dangerously low. 

I have been feeling exhausted for the past 2 months, not just the usual exhaustion I always sort of feel as a result of flinging myself across the country each week or so for my client. This was a deep in my bones all I want to do is sleep, out of breath walking up the stairs exhaustion. 

Turns out this was because the iron in my body was so low, my blood was being deprived of oxygen which in turn causes everything I was feeling. Fortunately I am on the mend now, armed with iron pills and bed rest for a few days.  

This is the wake up call I needed, time to make a change in my life so I can be around to see by next 35 birthdays. 

I am an all or nothing type of person, though it doesn’t always work for me at least when it comes to being healthy. Slow and steady is going to win this race, with eating better and exercising more. Prioritizing me before anything else.  


Java and Brady


At 14 I know Java’s days are limited. Each day she sleeps a little longer, her legs shake a little more each time she gets up. All the signs of her ending are there, they small and insignificant but I know one day soon they won’t be.

I watch how Brady lays next to her,
how he kisses her, looks for her when she is in another room. I wonder who will be more devastated when she passes away Brady or me?


Recovering Workaholic


I am doing my best to stop focusing so much of my life on work, as I finally recognized the negative impacts it was having on me in terms of health, social life, emotional well-being etc. I also noticed how protective of their time other people were, which for me was really the “light bulb moment’.

One of the guidelines I recently gave myself was no reading/sending emails on the weekend(or really late at night during the workweek), because you know it’s the weekend and no one wants to see work emails while they are trying to relax and enjoy their down time.

Fast forward to this weekend where I received a couple URGENT email requests on my phone, instead of dropping everything I was doing to answer and provide the needed updates, which in the past is my typical reaction,  I responded with “I usually do an hour or two of admin work on Sunday evenings to prepare for the upcoming week, I will include this in that time but will not be available before then.” #babysteps

Wedding Dreams


Last night while I slept I dreamt of myself getting married and most vividly the wedding itself, for the record I am currently single and never been married.  When I was younger I had this dream frequently, the dress, the ceremony, the faceless groom. 

Last night the dream was similar, the details were so vivid. I was the version of myself that I long to be (healthier, fit, strong), wearing a beautiful v-neck lace gown that hugged by curves just so while still being modest, the ceremony was in an old, candle light church with stain glass windows.  The pews were filled with people who make up the story of my life: mom, dad, brother, aunts, uncles, friends from across the globe and of course the people who made up the story of the groom’s life. 

The dream always ends the same, I am walking down the aisle toward mine groom who has his back towards me.  When I am about halfway down he turns around and is faceless, always faceless. 

Last night he turned around, only instead of being faceless there was a familiar face, one that I have known and loved for years. 

Now, I don’t know or believe that this means he is the one I will marry one day, but maybe it will happen.  He has been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember, yet we just can’t quite pair up romantically.  

I searched weddings on, reading that a wedding signify a transitional phase or coming to terms with change. That context makes perfect sense to me knowing what is going in my life. 

I still hope that one day that I get to wear the lace dress, walk down an aisle filled with friends and family to find him waiting there for me. 


Preparing My Heart


The last few weeks have been stressful,  work has been crazier then normal, much crazier, despite this I want to make sure I document each moment of the adoption process I have begun. For me, for the child(ren) of my heart.

Before I get too far into the nitty-gritty details of the process, I want to document why this moment and time in my life is the moment I realized what my heart aches for.

Above anything else I have always wanted to be someone’s mama. For as long as long as I can remember I have always wanted kids, even in the moments where I wasn’t entirely sure. There have been moments when I have even spoken the words “I don’t think I want children”, but they were only spoken to hide the ache I felt in my heart at the thought of a childless life.

I just never felt ready, then in a moment I was. One simple act, words quietly spoken, my heart opened and readied itself. I hadn’t realized all the sorrow I burdened my heart with, well that’s not entirely true. I knew, with every waking moment, what that sorrow felt like. What I hadn’t realized was how to unburden it, and in those magical three minutes I was able to let go of the sorrow. It sounds so simple, because it was, shockingly so.

Now the process begins.  It’s going to be long, my heart will probably break once or twice or ten times, but it will be worth every moment, every second, every fear.



Tomorrow I will place the call that will begin the adoption process of my future children.

I hope in the next 2-3 years to have my home filled with the laughter and noise and chaos of little ones.

My heart is already full, but I can’t wait for it to be overflowing.

Ten Years


Earlier this morning I mailed off my passport for renewal as I was approaching the ten year mark of September 29 2013.

Ten years. 

Looking back over those ten years I have realized just how much has happened between September 2003 and September 2013. 

I have lost four people I loved dearly, their bodies lowered into their final resting place or their ashes set free into the wild. 

All four of my childhood pups are gone: first Lewi, then Rex, then Miles, and finally Buddy as is Jackpot, the family cat. 

Jobs that were left and a career that was discovered when I took a giant leap of faith. A city that was left in haste, a house purchased that most days is home and some days a prison. 

A heart that broke that day in March,  and is still unwilling to let go and let love in again. 

Friends that were discovered and others I walked away from.  

More concerts and plane rides and miles in the car then I know what to do with. Hundreds of books that have been read. Hours of internet searching that yielded nothing. 

Weddings and babies and divorces and remarriages. 

The most important moment came just three days ago when my nephew was born. 

Ten years. 





This vacation has been one for the history books. 

I spent 7 days in Denver visiting with friends and wrapped up the week with a quick flight to Seattle for a friend’s wedding BBQ. 

I left the BBQ early, went back to my hotel room where I subsequently slept for the next 12 hours.  I have been coughy, feverish, and voiceless for a majority of the trip, this sleep was very much needed. 

Things I am learned while on vacation:

  • I prefer not to share hotel rooms (not a bad experience, I just like/need my quiet alone time especially when I am sick)
  • Denver is a great city, filled with awesome people. Well the seven I know are awesome, assuming everyone else is as well. 
  • My heart is still in Seattle, I can’t wait to live there again. 
  • I spend way too much of my precious time at work. 
  • John Mayer is really tall and very nice. 
  • Books. I love them (i already knew this, just wanted to throw it out there since I somehow acquired 16 new books this past week)

Things I lost on vacation:

  • my favorite blue sweater
  • 2.5 pairs of sunglasses, i started with three my last pair is minus one arm. 
  • iPhone power cord and usb cable
  • my virginity (kidding! just checking to see who is paying attention)
  • my voice, two hours before I was supposed to meet John Mayer. It’s about 67% back now. 

I am exhausted yet relaxed.  My flight to San Francisco leaves in less then four hours, I am returning to life/work with a renewed focus on living a life full of joy.