Quiet Hours

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It’s the moment between awake and sleeping where my mind gets trapped in an endless cycle of overthinking, dreams of what might have been, mistakes made etc.

I try to shut it off, but this quiet hour breaks me most nights.

It’s breaking me tonight.

A todo list for tomorrow, a coworker that is driving me a little nutty, selling my house, children I may never have, love that I so desperately want. It’s all raced through my mind for the past two hours on an endless loop.

Zumba Fail

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It’s hard to not feel like a failure when you have to stop the DVD six minutes in because you are already spent.

I have to keep reminding myself that six minutes today turns into seven minutes tomorrow, eventually, as I keep plugging away at it, I will make the entire 45 minute DVD.

Fixing years do depression, laziness, and horrific eating habits does not change overnight. I wish it did, but my eye is on the prize and I’ll get there one way or another.

Breaking Bad …. Habits

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Yesterday morning I flew to Austin, TX for work. At my current weight I have come to realize I am the person no one wants to sit next to, I am not at the point of taking up more then one seat but I am close. It’s made me incredibly self conscious, losing weight is something I always think about but never seem to do even though I want to. My therapist tells me it’s because I built a barrier around myself to avoid pain.

Shit this post is not going the way I wanted, I wanted to talk about habits.

Reset

Yesterday while flying to Austin I read a book about habits, it wasn’t particularly good so I won’t recommend it, but it did get me thinking about the habits I have.

They are mostly bad.

1. I drink soda and ice tea like a fish out of water.
2. I never exercise, never.
3. Vegetables? What are those my, diet is all processed or take out it’s no surprise I am gigantic.
4. Facebook, social media, and the internet in general tends to overtake my life.
5. I am attached to my electronics, and use my iPad in bed (shame, shame)
6. TV fills the days when I am bored
7. I make a great salary, but a shopping habit destroys my monthly budget and I never end up saving as much as I want.

The bad list also includes not flossing regularly and other things as well.

What’s my good habit you ask? Well I tend to eat fruit for breakfast but not always.

The book suggestion changing one habit at a time and that will eventually lead to breaking the others.

My choice is to start exercising each day for 60 minutes and I am going to commit to working out everyday so I become used to this new habit. I have built it into my daily calendar, I am hoping that will limit the excuses I make about not having time because I know how much time I actually waste!

Here goes nothing!

Late Night Rambles v1

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I can’t sleep

My mind races from one thought to the next as if it’s running out of time, it does this all day and all night. The racing is just worse at night, my body wants sleep and my brain won’t listen.

Tonight’s thoughts lead to goals, what do I want out of life.

I have washed so many years unable to get out of my way, mourning something that no longer seems real, a memory I can barely conjure even on the best days.

I want to stop sounding like a broken record on goals I have spoken of for years. New Zealand, Seattle, Dublin, weight loss, marathons, children, oceans. It’s all the same year after year.

I want to live and breath while enjoying life versus just barely existing. I want to feel connected to my friends, my family, to a lover.

I want to know what it’s like to hear my child call me mama for the first time, to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles, to discover again what it feels like to be alive.

I can’t sleep knowing I am wasting my life.

Making a Change

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Making a Change

On Thursday I was driving home from visiting my nephew in Connecticut when my doctor called to advice me to go to the nearest hospital asap. Blood test results from that morning were worrisome and she wanted me treated immediately. 

Of all the things that could be wrong, I am lucky.  Per the ER doctor I am severely anemic, so much so both he and my primary care physician were shocked I had not passed out since my hemoglobins were dangerously low. 

I have been feeling exhausted for the past 2 months, not just the usual exhaustion I always sort of feel as a result of flinging myself across the country each week or so for my client. This was a deep in my bones all I want to do is sleep, out of breath walking up the stairs exhaustion. 

Turns out this was because the iron in my body was so low, my blood was being deprived of oxygen which in turn causes everything I was feeling. Fortunately I am on the mend now, armed with iron pills and bed rest for a few days.  

This is the wake up call I needed, time to make a change in my life so I can be around to see by next 35 birthdays. 

I am an all or nothing type of person, though it doesn’t always work for me at least when it comes to being healthy. Slow and steady is going to win this race, with eating better and exercising more. Prioritizing me before anything else.  

 

Java and Brady

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At 14 I know Java’s days are limited. Each day she sleeps a little longer, her legs shake a little more each time she gets up. All the signs of her ending are there, they small and insignificant but I know one day soon they won’t be.

I watch how Brady lays next to her,
how he kisses her, looks for her when she is in another room. I wonder who will be more devastated when she passes away Brady or me?

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